Only Human
by Gloria Bennet
Summary: As Elena struggles through her new identity, she finds comfort by writing on her diary before everything changes. Set after 3x22


**Hey everyone!**

** This is the first story that I publish here ;) I'm quite excited and scared because I don't know if you'll like it or not! This fic deals with Elena's thoughts when she wakes up as a vampire. I imagined her wanting to be alone in her room and writing on her journal in order to feel better and let the pain flow on the paper. Forgive any grammar mistakes or whatever! (English's not my first language)  
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**I hope you'll all enjoy it!  
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**Feedbacks are a lot appreciated, even negative ones.**

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**ONLY HUMAN**

Dear Diary,

I'm not human anymore.

I've become what I'd never wanted to be.

And the worst part is that I have to deal with that.

I can't look at myself in the mirror, without hating this new Elena. I'm not as I used to be. I will never be the same. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm a vampire. I'm bound to drink blood forever and always, I'm bound to live forever and always, I'm bound to never get old forever and always, I'm bound to be an animal. And I cannot stop it. I cannot lose the people I love, by deciding to put an end to my human life. I'm in transition and although I hate the idea of turning into a creature of the night, I hate more the idea of losing again my beloved ones. Anyway I don't know what to do. Please someone give me a sign! I can't stop crying, I can't stop sobbing and hiding myself from the others. I keep on repeating myself "This is not me, this is not me" .It doesn't help, it only hurts more. What have I become? Maybe I should avoid this, maybe I should let me die. But what will the purpose of my life be then? Otherwise should I consider a vampire's existence as a life? No, I shouldn't. Everything's so different from it used to be. Life isn't supposed to last forever. Hence I'm not going to live, I'm going to die forever. I'm going to die inside day by day. Maybe I'm just ungrateful. I mean, Meredith saved me with Damon's blood. This has been my chance to turn back to life again. I should just be thankful, but I can't. This is not normal. It's far from what I've ever thought. I've never wanted this to happen. A part of me wants to live again, to breathe, to see the sun rise and set...but the other wants to end this. I'm shattered to pieces. I'm scared. I'm lost. What would my parents want for me? What would they want me to do? I do not know. I do not want to know. Why everything has to be so damn hard all the time? Why can't I have to decide between a pair of jeans or a skirt? Why do I have to choose for my life, or better for my not-life? I can't see anything from here. I'm lying on my bed. I locked the door because I wanted to stay alone for awhile. I wanted to write you. But right now all that I'm doing is trying to write the best I can with tears wet paper and pen. I can't focus, I can't think. I'm not human. I'm a vampire. Why? Why did it happen to me? Maybe it should have been better to die. Maybe it would have been easier. If I died, I would see again my parents. My sweet Mom, my generous Dad. But then, when could I ever see Stefan again? When could I ever kiss his lips? When could I ever hold his hands? Never. This is the reason I've tried to find all night long. This is the reason why I should not give up on the opportunity life has given me. I shouldn't waste it. I should be grateful. This is the only way to live my love for Stefan. I should have known that sooner or later I would've become a vampire in order to stay with him forever. I'd never wanted to be one, but it would've always been the only way to love him everlastingly. I should've considered this option before without always delaying it. I know this very well, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It should, but it doesn't. I feel my skin burn under the cold pressure of the tears that stream down my face. I feel them pierce my skin and filling my soul with endless sorrow. I have died. But I'm not dead. I felt all the air in my lungs expire, my heart stop beating, my eyes open into the dark water and then close without the chance to be open again. And now here I am. Wide awake, wide dead, wide alive. The path in front of me is so tough. Harder than any other. I won't feed on humans. I'll try to avoid it with all my power. I won't be aggressive. I won't hurt people. I will resist the urge. I'll try to be a human even if I'm not. I'll complete the transition. I have to do it. Not only for my Stefan. Also for the others: my little brother Jer. He needs my help. I need him. He's the only family that I have. Damon. I couldn't survive without his annoying actions and jokes. Bonne, my forever witch crazy best friend. And Caroline, my dear lively vampire friend. I couldn't stay without them. I couldn't live without them. I have the possibility to live again and although it makes me cry I'll do it. I will live again. I will die forever with my Stefan. Now I have to go, someone's knocking at my door (it might be Stefan). I'll write you soon. I'll not be the same then, but I'll still be Elena. Maybe I'll find my true essence again through these pages.

I love you and I'll always will.

Here will always lie a part of me.

My human part.

Yours (forever)

Elena


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